


Return of the Badfic

by Lanna Michaels (lannamichaels)



Series: Badfic series [2]
Category: LOTRPS
Genre: April Showers Challenge 2011, Bad Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-03-31
Updated: 2004-03-31
Packaged: 2017-10-18 18:16:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/191807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lannamichaels/pseuds/Lanna%20Michaels





	Return of the Badfic

  
The Dane had driven off into the sun, but managed to somehow not be burnt to a crisp by the awesome hotness of it all. The people watching attributed this to the mad artist's usual proximity to Sean Bean who is, as we all know, the hottest man alive, except for the bloke who lives along the equator, in the Mojave desert, or inside a specialty made oven. Sylvia Plath fans, eat it up.

Viggo Mortensen, second of that name, pulled up into the lot of a cheap motel and got the smallest room. It was so small that it was really just a broom closet next to a very famous hooker's house of, erm, office. This resulted in quite a few cases of mistaken identity, but that's a whole 'nother story and is not suitable for children and other moralistic, upstanding human beings. And since none of you are like that, I suppose I should go on and mention how Viggo got tied to the bed by the mayor of that small town and got the living daylights shagged out of him, or how Viggo woke up to find that he was giving Brad Pitt a blowjob, or that he somehow managed to enlist in the marines while partaking of a large group orgy.

At dawn, Viggo made a break for it which resulted in him tripping the trip wire. The recruiter tsked, bound and gagged Viggo, and slung him over his shoulder to bring him to the base. Poor Viggo. Getting kidnapped by the armed forces to be the slut of hot horny guys with crew cuts.

I should be so lucky.

But this story isn't about Viggo, who ends up spending a good portion of his time afterwards on his back. This story isn't even about the author, as much as she might wish it were so.

No, this story is about Sean Bean. You remember him, he's the hottest man alive. Had a miscarriage last episode and boy is his heart aching. _He_ seems like the kind of guy that could benefit from a large group orgy.

Sadly, that was how he got pregnant in the first place. Never bottom to a sales clerk with stitches about his eye. You might just be subbing to Tyler Durden. And Tyler's a _maniac_ in bed. Comes from all those nights fucking himself.

 _Anyway_ , Sean was left destitute (but not really), sobbing on the floor of Orlando's huge ass mansion. Orlando was comforting him, but not in the horizontal fashion. More in a vertical way, but not against the wall. Just, you know, being friends, being there. And if you believe that, I have a nice bridge in New York, barely used. What do you say?

Well, Karl came downstairs to find his Orli-kins with his head between Sean's legs. Sean was moaning quite like the whore Viggo is and Orli was making some very enthusiastic sounds. Then comes Karl with a huge frying pan and a butcher knife.

Someone cue the Psycho theme.

Karl had just discovered that morning that he was pregnant with Harry's child and he hadn't known how to break the news to Orli that Karl and Harry had had a one night stand during Peter's baby shower. Since Harry was the father of Peter's child (well, the other father), it had only been Karl's duty as a fellow Kiwi (but not the fruit or the bird) to shag him.

Honest.

Karl and Harry had woken up to find David and Craig between them. None of the four were quite certain why there was chocolate pudding on the walls, but each assumed one of the others had a kink he wasn't up for sharing with the class. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Karl had discovered he was pregnant quite by accident. He was in the shower, doing what many men and women do in the shower, that is, singing, when the baby poked its head up and asked him if he minded shutting up since dada had lost the key somewhere in the Mojave desert. The baby suggested looking in the oven (but first preheating it to 425 degrees) and then stuck his head back in.

Karl had been so shocked he dropped the soap.

There was no mistaking that it _was_ Harry's child. First of all, the baby looked nothing like Orli. Secondly, it had a New Zealand accent.

It also looked a bit like David, which Karl just assumed was because he'd slept with Sean the night before he shagged Harry, and David and Sean look enough alike to be a specialty of the whorehouse of Gondor.

Not that the author has an incest kink or a Boys Being Blonde Together kink. Not at all. How could you think such a thing? Really, I must protest. And I insist you leave. Yes, now.

Are they gone? Good.

Let's get back to the little kiwi that could.

Karl was approaching the fellating duo like the shark in Jaws except without the fin sticking up. He held the frying pan high over his head and brought it crashing down on Orli's head.

Orli, it should be noted, later showed no evidence that this act had damaged his brain in any way, which caused the rest of them to conclude that Orli never had a brain in the first place.

So an exhibition to Oz was planned. After all, they couldn't let an up and coming movie star go without a brain. After all, just look at where it had gotten all those Bond bimbos?

After all, Sean's a Bond bimbo and he's spending his life blowing strangers because he can't admit that he's in love with his best friend.

And Viggo, a Bond bimbo's bimbo, is on his knees in front of a sergeant with more muscles than the current governor of California, and is getting told he's nothing better than a maggot, drop down and give me twenty.

Blowjobs, that is, not push ups.

And let's not talk about the orgy they have planned for when they get Viggo sprung out of prison for talking back to a superior officer ("When I say jump, you say how high. Jump onto my cock." "How high?") but the plans had to be abandoned when it was discovered that Viggo didn't want to leave "Bubba", a man who looked quite a bit like the drill sergeant, except for a few hundred more pounds of muscle.

Sean put it best. Viggo's a slut.

And Viggo put it best. Takes one to know when.

Then Sean put it better. Why you little ungrateful shit. I lose our baby and this is how you treat me?

Then Viggo got one up on him. It wasn't my baby to begin with, you sluttish whore. Why don't you get a job?

This caused Sean to start crying. What, you don't love me anymore?

And Viggo broke down also, like a bad used car. I do love you, Seanie, but you were an abusive boyfriend and I'm better off without you.

Sean sniffed and wiped his nose on the bars separating the two of them. Is that what your therapist told you?

Viggo nodded and then cried into "Bubba". Like the rest of us, "Bubba" was sick and tired of all the angst, so he shoved the two of them into a broom closet in a cheap motel and told them to kiss and make up.

Then the mayor arrived, but that's a whole 'nother story.

I swear.

Oh, all right. You see, this mayor was a kissing cousin of all the guys in the town hall and together they had decided...no, actually, that is another story. Let's leave Sean and Viggo and the circus troop to their bedroom acrobatics.

Let's talk about Karl and Orli. After the trip to Oz was cancelled, Karl decided to do the next best thing and go home to New Zealand. He packed clothing, his toothbrush, and stuffed Orli into a suitcase as an afterthought. After all, Orli wasn't really all that necessary. He already had a blowup doll. Really, think about it, what more could Orli do for him? The young actor was superfluous in their not very meaningful homosexual relationship. So superfluous in fact that Karl once brought Lawrence Makore home for a shag instead of Orli.

Oh, just face it, they're all whores.

And they're having fun, in their little whore worlds.

But that will soon change.

You see, Peter's just given birth to the Antichrist.

But don't worry. That's only going to be found out in part 57 of 113. We're still on part 2. Got a long way to go. Karl still hasn't given birth yet to the savior of humanity and no one knows that Viggo's a lesbian. And no one knows that Sean secretly has wings.

That secret comes out when Fran strips Sean naked and bends him over a clothesline. You see, Fran's secretly a witch and she's been watching Sean for all this time, waiting to see when his Secret Powers will manifest. Sean's destiny in life is to aid the Antichrist in his destruction of the world.

Sean would rather have a latte.

So it falls to Viggo, newly revealed as a lesbian, to persuade Sean to join the side of evil, and Sean happily serves for a few years. He finally runs back to the side of good when Peter asks him to babysit.

The fate of the world will end up revolving around a three year old child. But what else is new?

And you still haven't found out about the werewolf on the _Troy_ set...

  
TO BE CONTINUED!1!!!!ONETYONE!!1!!


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